Smart Career Women Can Have Conscious Relationships
Last year, I turned 50, but didn't have a big celebration because I was too busy with work. In hindsight, I can see that while my career as a corporate professional flourished, my intimate relationships have taken a severe beating. Married twice-- at ages 19-21 and then 40-44 and later ended up as a single mother.
Am I alone in the choices I have made? Apparently not, as I work with countless of other smart, successful career women who are living together with their partners like roommates, in business-like marriages, or involved in complex relationships portrayed in popular TV shows SCANDAL, Being Mary Jane and Mistresses who want a difficult, and not a normal, love.
What Is Really Going On?
What Is Really Going On?
Smart Career Women Can Have Conscious Relationships To Maintain
So what does all this mean? At the root of the problem lays the fact that many women with "book smarts" have a dangerously low EQ (emotional intelligence quotient). Simply put, this would explain why intelligent, witty women often become fools in love.
Back in 2006, Michael Noer created shock waves when he wrote a piece in Forbes Magazine warning men of marrying career women. He claimed that recent studies had found that smart, professional women were more likely to get divorced or cheat, and less likely to have children. In addition, the American Journal of
Marriage and Family cited studies that claim the divorce risk rises when women out-earn their husbands. Widespread evidence seems to suggest that thousands of bright women can't sustain meaningful relationships for many reasons: too controlling, inability to tolerate less successful men and equally, men resentment of their higher-earning partners.
So why are so many career women experiencing this conundrum?
Pride Comes Before A Fall
So why are so many career women experiencing this conundrum?
Pride Comes Before A Fall
Smart Career Women Can Have Conscious Relationships To Deal With Many Aspects in Life
Women have been ashamed to admit that they put pride before their feelings and later realized how much damage this has caused their relationships. Dr. Robert Holden, author of Success Intelligence, is at the cutting edge of psychological relationship research and offers the following explanation: "To have a successful relationship, you have to develop EQ which is emotional empathy and a respect for each others feelings. Without the engagement of the head and the heart, relationships are not a safe place to be, but the smart woman is headstrong enough to tell herself that she will be able to make this work.
In other words, we fall at the first hurdle because we've been conditioned to bypass our God-given intuition and it gets us into trouble. Case in point, my intuition sent off warning bells that landed me in ER for a severe panic attack before my wedding ten years ago to my second ex, only to realize with clarity that I had married the wrong man - again. At the time, I kind of knew that the marriage was doomed but convinced myself that with our religious upbringings "I" could make it work.
How to Change Your Modus Operandi
How to Change Your Modus Operandi
Let's be honest, most of us high IQ girls aren't very happy. Often we are the real victims because we just accept that any romantic situation is OK, when in reality it's not. We have gotten used to wearing this very confident façade that is really to disguise our fear of not being in charge and lack of self-acceptance. So, we become relationship jumpers because "there was no love there and he didn't stimulate me", "we rushed into it too quickly without knowing each other", or "he was my rebound guy". The truth is, our identities become intertwined in what we do at work.
So career women tend to approach their relationships like a career development plan for Mr. Right. Consider this:
• What energy vibes are you leading with when you meet a guy? Do you find the energy signals you give are at complete odds to what you are feeling?
• I don't want you to meet my children, family, social, or work tribe
• I'm seeing other men so I don't want you to get too close
• I'm a financially self-sufficient woman with (kids) career and only need a man for sex
Men can find these energy vibes to be incredibly emasculating. When men respond by being detached, our emotional side kicks in and we wonder - why isn't he falling in love with me?
Getting to Happy
What advice can I give to successful career women who are often (secretly) unhappy and unsuccessful in love?
• Be willing to admit when you've got it wrong
• Leave your dominance and competitiveness in the office
• Don't love carelessly or unconsciously
• Stop playing the victim role and master your "ideal" role
• Stop approaching relationships as business deals or projects
Finally, work on developing your EQ. This is absolutely essential because it determines the quality of your relationships with others. It is unreasonable and unhealthy to expect other people to love you more than you love yourself. Learn to have emotional strength that is about surrender, openness and a willingness to let go of energy that is draining you.
For too long, women like me and others have spent our best energy building our careers and failed to realize that integrating the emotional and intuitive side of life is just as important. Whether you are in your 30s, 40s, or 50s, the time is now to wake up -- use your head and intuition. Test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, and not some sentimental gush.
Debrah Mathis, is a single mother, entrepreneur, dog-lover, world-class Christian life purpose coach, energy leadership expert and relationship management strategist who works with women how to discover for themselves a new way to love appropriately, live energetically, build an empowered legacy to live well and decide what matters most. She is also enjoying a conscious relationship with her guy.
By Debrah Mathis
By Debrah Mathis
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