Relationships: Is The Fear Of Being Abandoned Defining Who You Are Attracted To?
Over the years, many points of view have been put forward as to what causes one person to be attracted to another. These have come from scientists, relationship experts and everyone in between.
And while some of these views can sound accurate and as though they reflect reality, it doesn't mean this is actually the case. Women are said to go for one thing and men for another and one doesn't need to look very far to see there are always exceptions.
Nevertheless, if one matches up with what is classed as attractive everything could be fine but if they don't, it could make them believe that they are therefore 'unattractive'. The first person is likely to end up feeling good about themselves and the second person could end up feeling hopeless.
Physical Appearances is important for your Thought about Is The Fear Of Being Abandoned Defining Who You Are Attracted To
While it is possible for one to change their behavior or how they come across to others, the same can't always be said about their appearance. And as it is one's appearance that is often said to define whether they are attractive or not, there is only so much one can do.
Cosmetic surgery is gradually becoming more socially acceptable but even with surgery, there are limits. A woman can have breasts implants or have bottom implants and a man can have liposuction, for instance.
No Guarantees
If one doesn't look a certain way it is going to be normal for them to admire people who do have certain features. They could wonder what their life would be like if they looked the same and this could even go as far as them having cosmetic surgery.
And while being physically attractive can make one's life easier (it has been said that one's physical appearance can play a part in how far they go in their career and if they are charged or let off for a crime), it doesn't mean that one is going to have fulfilling relationships.
Men and Women Both Have This Is The Fear Of Being Abandoned Defining Who You Are Attracted To
At this time, women have more options than men do when it comes to changing their appearance. And as men are more visual than women, this doesn't mean that men are therefore worse off.
For a man it is not so much about how he looks as it is about how he behaves. So while man can look right, if he doesn't behave right it is not going to make much difference. As for women, they can look a certain way but unless they value themselves and are emotionally together, they are not going to attract healthy men into their life.
More than Appearances
What this comes down to is the fact that one's physical appearance is just one part of the equation; the other part is what is going on inside them. For example: a car might look incredible, but unless the engine is up to standard it won't be going very far.
How a car looks will create attention but once one is in the car, it will all come down to how it runs. And the same could be said about people - how they look might create interest, but after a while it will come down to what else they have to offer.
Individual Requirements
However, if one is only looking for a surface level relationship and not one where they open up, it won't matter about what's inside as it will be all about appearances. In this case, how the other person makes one look and the image that they present to the world will be the only thing that matters.
Yet if one wants to have relationships that are real, it will be important for them to focus on what is taking place within them and not just how they look. Once one does feel comfortable on the inside, they might find it easier to accept how they look on the outside.
Attraction
On one side, there is how one is attracted to another person based on how they look and then there is how one can be attracted to someone because of how they feel. This is not to say that these two aspects are separate - what it means is that one's emotional needs can take precedence.
Here, one won't be focused on whether the other person looks right, as they will be consumed by their emotional needs. Although the ideal is for one's mind, heart and body to work together, this doesn't always take place.
Abandonment
When one feels emotionally centred they are going to be attracted to a certain type of person and when this is not the case, they are likely to be attracted to people who are completely different. So if one feels abandoned for instance, it could cause them to go with whoever is available.
Due to how powerful this feeling is, it might not matter what their mind says about the other person; they are in pain and they want of feel different. And while the other person will regulate how they feel, they could end up going with people who are far from healthy.
Short-term Solution
In the short-term, one will no longer feel abandoned but if this is the only reason why they are with the other person, there could be other problems that arise as time passes. The other person might not be compatible and they could end up being controlling or abusive.
This is partly because one is coming from a place of desperation and neediness. The people they attract are then likely to pick up on this at a deeper level and to see them as easy targets.
A Closer Look
It is often said that it is not possible for one to feel abandoned as an adult and how this only applies to a child. Yet, if one was neglected during their childhood and these emotional experiences have not been processed and have therefore remained trapped in their body, they can feel like they did all those years ago.
As a result of being left as a child, not only will one have felt abandoned, this would have affected their ability to regulate their own emotions (as it is through being regulated by one's caregivers that one develops the ability to regulate themselves). One is then in pain and no one is there to regulate how they feel, and as they can't regulate themselves, the pain would have ended up staying in their body.
Awareness
The years go by but one is still carrying the pain within them and they can't regulate how they feel. So it is only natural that they are going to be times when they find it hard to be discerning and end up being drawn to whoever is available.
These emotional experiences of the past will need to be faced as released and this takes place, one will gradually develop their ability to regulate their own emotions. This can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer. They will also provide the positive regard that one didn't receive all those years ago and this is a vital part of the process.
Prolific writer, thought leader and coach, Oliver JR Cooper hails from the United Kingdom. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation; love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With several hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behavior, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice. Current projects include "A Dialogue With The Heart" and "Communication Made Easy."
By Oliver JR Cooper
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